Saturday

I hit bottom last night around midnight. I just hit bottom again.

Staying busy keeps my mind occupied and off of my circumstances. But when I'm alone, and I don't have busy-ness to keep me occupied, I cry. And just because busy-ness takes my mind off things doesn't mean the circumstances go away.

Last night I missed Danny so much I could hardly bear it. I was lonely. I was mad at him for leaving, then felt guilty for being mad. I've spent days upon days in the past alone here at home, but it never bothered me because I knew he'd be home in the evening. Now, he won't.

Then just a bit ago it hit me again. Our daughter turned 18 just one week before Danny was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We spent the last 4 months of Danny's life doing nothing but tending to medical needs, seeing doctors, then finally having Hospice come in to help for the last few days he lived. We were in survival mode and not really living.

The children are raised, even though they still live at home. But they are essentially raised. They work. They have a social life. I wouldn't deprive them of that at all. But at almost the same instant the last one reached adulthood, I also lost Danny. Now, no kids to raise and no husband to share my life with - all at one blow.

Add to that, dire financial circumstances and my working at a low paying job just to try to even keep the simplest of bills paid, and the recipe for me is grief compounded with monumental changes that have come on far more suddenly than I ever thought possible.

I can't just "chin up" and bear it. I am plodding through my days and can't get a grip on a vision for the future. It's all I can do to even think about the next minute or hour, much less further down the road of life.

I've encountered all sorts of wisdom from all sorts of people. It's all good. I just can't seem to apply it to me. My heart is rebelling and my body is tired.

There was a time when a widow was allowed to grieve as long as necessary before she was tossed back into life. People gladly ministered to her. They helped her keep a home, even if it wasn't the one she shared with her husband. They brought casseroles or whatever so she didn't have to deal with the day-to-day cooking. They came in and helped her with her housework. Not so now. And yes, I do resent it. Maybe it's because of my age. I'm neither young enough to have small children at home, nor old enough to go into retirement. I'm in that Limbo of between time when there's no help available from any source and most people think at my age, I can just jump into an occupation and have plenty of energy to work it.

While Danny was so sick, we got every kind of help both personally and from government entities. It was needed and I very much appreciate it all. Now that he's gone, it's as if I'm the invisible woman. It's as if I no longer need bills paid, gas in the vehicles, propane for heating and cooking, etc. I can do without. So can his children. Maybe that's why, in ancient Egypt, wives were buried alive with their husbands when they died. Nobody cares to see to the widow's needs. It's easier to bury them than to feed them or help them with housing.

Now, God had different plans but that doesn't mean anyone pays attention to those mandates. God has much to say about the treatment of widows throughout the Bible. Here are just a few things:

Job 22:5-11

5 Is not thy wickedness great? and thine iniquities infinite?
6 For thou hast taken a pledge from thy brother for nought, and stripped the naked of their clothing.
7 Thou hast not given water to the weary to drink, and thou hast withholden bread from the hungry.
8 But as for the mighty man, he had the earth; and the honourable man dwelt in it.
9 Thou has sent widows away empty, and the arms of the fatherless have been broken.
10 Therefore snares are round about thee, and sudden fear troubleth thee;
11 Or darkness, that thou canst not see; and abundance of waters cover thee.
KJV

Ps 68:5
A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.
KJV

Isa 10:1-2
Woe unto them that decree unrighteous decrees, and that write grievousness which they have prescribed;

2 To turn aside the needy from judgment, and to take away the right from the poor of my people, that widows may be their prey, and that they may rob the fatherless!
KJV

Matt 23:14
Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation.
KJV

Acts 6:1,3
1 And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration... 3 Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.
KJV

James 1:27
Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
KJV


I can see already that I'll have to put in 12 to 14 hours a day doing menial work to even pay the most basic bills and be able to not be evicted. I won't have much relationship with my kids who are still at home, but at least we'll have someplace to live.

Am I begging here? No. Just stating the facts as I see them. Am I bitter? I don't know. I just know I'm incredibly sad. I feel abandoned and desolate. And I can't even have Danny's shoulder to lean on anymore.

The kids are helping all they can, but they both only work part time. They pay their own way as far as their vehicles, clothing, etc. which takes that burden off me. But maintaining a household is costly.

I'm weary with trying to figure out how to cover everything.

I'm weary with grief.

I'm weary.