A year of firsts for me

I'm realizing that this will be a year of firsts for me.

This is the first year I've been "alone" since I was 18 years old. I've been married my entire adult life.

This is the first year I made a garden all by myself.

This is the first year I will have gone through my birthday, my spouse's birthday, Valentine's Day, and all other holidays without a husband to share them with.

This is the first year I've been solely responsible for all the bills.

This is the first year I haven't had a husband to confer with over big decisions.

This is the first year when, if I so choose, I can come and go without checking with my husband and letting him know where I'm going.

This is the first year that when I come home from shopping, no one's here to talk to about it.

This is the first year that I have no one expected home at supper time.

This is the first year I don't have a husband to share little trips on country roads, when we would pick wild foods.

This is the first year when, if I get a new outfit, no one's here to tell me I'm pretty.

I don't really like these firsts in my life. They weren't planned for nor were they expected. They only serve to underscore my alone-ness.

Maybe someday the lonliness will ease. I pray it does. Even in a crowd, I'm lonely.